I’m not much of a “dater” (Feel free to now officially label me as “picky”. It’s ok.) I’m selective about dating, which has led to hardly any dating in general. So I think it’s safe to say that I’ve spent the majority of my twenties with the strange label of being a single. i say strange because there are incredible prejudices – some subtle, some not-so-subtle – against singles
Now when I say single, let’s be clear — I mean single. The don’t-have-a-fiancee, don’t-have-a-boyfriend, actually-don’t-even-have-a-cute-crush-right-now, RSVP-for-just-one, live-my -life-however-I-want, no-i’m-not-expecting-anyone, please-don’t-make-me-try-to-catch-the-freaking-bouquet, put-my-hands-UP-for-Beyonce’s all the single ladies kind of single.
I turn 30 in a few months. I am not married, haven’t had a serious relationship in nearly three years, and until recently had never wished I had a husband, never wondered “what else is there,” or felt pressure from anyone in my life to settle down. But lately, I’ve been fielding a torrent of unsolicited pep talks from friends , acquaintances , relatives , older people offering me advice on turning 30 and how lonely it gets without someone to cuddle, an occasion I had erroneously thought had lost most of its connotation of impending doom. Usually, their words of wisdom boil down to “don’t panic about finding a man.” But what they really mean is, “don’t panic about finding a man yet.”the constant advice from my elders always seems to remain the same; “Don’t rush, it will come to you, just live your life.” But on the other hand, they are the same people do often inquiring; ” So Sanyu, when are you going to get married? you have no child yet? my dear giving birth after 30 is a trick…blah blah blah” Look , i am single,don’t pity me, am not cursed or something, if i could marry myself, i prolly would have already! The pressure dear Lord !!!!!!
What do you think when you meet a man or a woman over 30 who is single? first thing always….pity, “There’s something wrong with him/her.” “They have a fear of commitment.” Perhaps even, “they are or must be a loser.” I know these thoughts not only because people have asked me what is wrong with me,but also because i receive a lot of advice on why i should get married before 30, like men are on supermarket shelves i can just walk in and pick, pay at the counter and go have a blast( eyes rolling!)
Of course, well-meaning younger and older people offering unsolicited advice to eye-rolling women like me is what makes the world go round. My parents will literally turn the house around to make an impression when i visit with a male friend because they hope he could be “the one”………eeeish! I am concerned particularly about the gendered nature of ‘being single’ advice, always being underscored when I talk to single male friends. Unlike me, they are actually a bit stressed about hitting their thirties or forties,but its never that serious, they are worrying about whether they have achieved enough in their career, whether they should be settling down, etc. Yet when I ask whether they receive the same advice I do on a daily, they can’t recall a single incident. “Probably because people think we are beyond saving,” they half-joke.
No, it is probably because people assume my male friends (who are doing great, by the way) are fully qualified to make their own choices, whether relating to their career or their personal life and we the women are left at the mercy of whichever man chooses to redeem us by marrying us. How sad !!. Short of committing a felony, there are few decisions they could make at 30 that would irreversibly ruin their prospects. Even vasectomies can be undone. Meanwhile, in their eyes, my own benefit-of-the-doubt clock is running out even faster than the notorious biological one.
I would like to dismantle the notion that marriage is IT!! The end game,,, like its the ultimate source of joy and all the other things people want us single people to believe. And don’t get me wrong, i am not against the institution of Marriage, in fact i look forward to walking down the aisle some day, but that can’t be all a woman or man wants and desires in life , no no no !!! We need to come to a place where we do not put people on pressure for whatever reason but rather seek to understand them. As for married people who pull these moves, forgetting you were once single , you crack me up.A friend once shared his struggle, and its real. He said , ” the people i find attractive end up being taken or married , twice my age ,don’t like me back, don’t now i exist,not real , dead etc, and people put me on pressure to marry because I’m clocking a certain age , try walking in my shoes please !!!” Picture that!! Musale Puleesa!
I would like to talk about being single in a way that is empowering, vulnerable, hopeful, respectful, honest, refreshing, straightforward, content, faithful, and REAL. I feel incredibly lucky to say that most of the days I have spent single have been exciting, empowering, and wonderfully full.
They have been full of rich experiences and adventures. They have been full of risks taken and lessons learned. They have been full of some really amazing jobs and launching a new business from scratch. They have been full of laughter and smiles and some of the best memories ever. And they have been full of really, really good friends and people along the way. And for that, I give some serious thanks.Because I’m pretty sure the worst thing I could imagine would be meeting the guy of my dreams, and then telling him that I basically spent the last decade moping and waiting around for him. (Ugh. Please, please don’t let me ever be that girl.)
Whether you’re married, engaged, dating, divorced, widowed, and/or single. Young or old. Girl or guy. Whomever. We all have stories to share and lots of experiences on the topic of being single, or knowing people who are single. And I would love more than anything to hear what everyone has to say so that we can (really) learn from each other. So do share your stories……………..
I think being single is an empowering moment in that you get to utilise your independent ambitions and lay a personal life foundation…..yes many times single girls are pitied while the boys are not and its bothering because its very fine for a girl to be single at 30.
Being single with a purpose is what matters and you have that my dear.
I think some people have made marriage seem like some sort of achievement.We forget the actual reasons that lead us to that.For me single is fun , watching people match make and even try to vibe you so you get hitched and all.Its fun cause all these dates you get to decide on and EAT from different menus..It’s truly enjoyable.
I believe in time , everything has its time and this phrase in my life so far most enjoyable..When time to get married comes then I will be off the shelf.
For now am the book who still loves to be in the store unless you can afford to properly read and enjoy the book.
Sanyu my dearest sister I guess it runs in the family,we just don’t rush in.
I lilrtaely jumped out of my chair and danced after reading this!
Aaaaha I like. This is powerfully encouraging. Some are married and wish to b single. Being & feeling whole is key.
WinZi said it all… Marriage is a union two individuals. It must not be what makes you whole… Selah!
This made my day. Especially because mention is made of the pressure that even men have to deal with.
Like Sanyu, I was single (real single as described by Sanyu) most of my 20s. I made 30 in Feb this year. My 20s were fun with great friendships and can’t complain about my career. Yet on a number of occasions I have received statements relating to my ‘singlehood’, among others, such as: ‘that so selfish of you J to still be single at this age, what’s your excuse’, ‘J how do you survive without a girl friend’, ‘maybe there is something wrong J, tell us we can help deal with (this is on a WhatsApp group and with genuine concern.. lol)’, ‘you are so picky J’.
Yet all I want is someone I can have a conversation with, laugh at each other jokes, connect and , yes, fall in love ‘from first principles’. (Did I mention am geeky 🤓). It hard to get over this especially when I have come close in the past with someone but didn’t work through, like the gentleman Sanyu mentioned. So it’s mean it no an impossible expectation.
But the pressure is real. I realise one gets caught between friends who look at relationships as conquests (and therefore GFs are sort of trophies 🏆 and proof of manhood) and those (including family and religious circles) who look at marriage/relationship as an obligation.
It doesn’t help when even in religious circles, people (including pastors) are telling you ‘just look around and pick’. Like you are picking up a taxi at a stage. Lol.
With such circumstances many given in, for the wrong reasons. It may have a connection to the rate of divorce currently. But some may say ‘I am just hating’. Ha ha ha…
Hahahahha, Thanks JK for sharing your story ,its sad that the institution of Marriage has been reduced to “just look around and pick” May we never be those people who merely settle!!
Its funny how marriage has been granted the status of “eating the troll”. I am married which generally means at one time i was single (duh!!!). When i look back on the days I was single ( which I will categorically state here: I DON’T MISS…Hi sweetheart!) I milked that season for all it was worth and now I’m in a different season in my life with different pleasures which I am similarly milking for all its worth. Thing is, you are only single once…think about it. so while you are enjoy it…you get no seconds.
Thank you @Odomii i am milking the season dry.