Dear you, yes you.
Today I woke up thinking about you. On my mind are random thoughts like how you are and what you are doing in this time. What you are thinking of and what you eat. What you are wearing, how you are really feeling deep down inside, what your dreams are, what your future holds, what your limitations are, what challenges you have been facing, and how you are overcoming them, how you are managing and holding up. I couldn’t shake the feeling that you are not OK or that something could be wrong with you and so here I am, writing you this letter.
What has it been like being alive in this lockdown alone with just your TV, the Internet, and those few and far between sounds from the neighborhood? Are you lonely? Are you surrounded by activity and yet still feeling alone? I’ve been thinking about what it’s like for you to wake up and do the same things over and over again. I’ve thought about coming to you and yet I cannot because the lockdown limits me. I have thought about writing you this letter several times and yet I have not found the courage to do it. I thought about sending you a video but everyone is doing videos lately so it would seem like something I’m copying from everyone else and that would not be me. I have thought about penning you letters as in the days of old because that would make your heart sing but I didn’t know how to send them to you because you have shut the world out of your own world and you know that nobody else can reach you when you do that. I am hoping that this blog reaches you.
So, how are you really holding up? It has been a few crazy weeks and I know many have said “what a time to be single and childless” because it is a great thing to not have children in this messy lockdown. Do you share that feeling with them? I know feelings of loneliness sometimes creep in and it’s beginning to feel like no one genuinely cares for you. At first, the friends called and texted, they checked in every so often and somehow it felt like you were surrounded until you were not. Somehow the frequency of the calls and texts has reduced, and you catch yourself longing for affection and touch, looking back on lost love and missed moments.
You have woken up and tried to brush the feeling of loneliness away and yet it still lingers. You have prayed about it, tried to keep yourself distracted by trying out different online challenges and recipes. You have read books, outdone yourself with pornhub, and yet, you still feel alone.
I worry for you because I think about all the times you’ve woken up, looked at yourself in the mirror, and thought, “I’ve been abandoned and forgotten. I have been left alone. I am not good enough. I am not worthy. I am not loved. How can I be lovable? Look at me, I am not pretty enough or I am not strong enough. I am not happy and whatever I do amounts to nothing.” I worry for you because several times I have thought you might start to lose sight and knowledge of your true self. I just want you to know today that I see you and I understand, and you are made of much more than the compounded weight of whatever is flipping your life upside down.
I know what it’s like to wake up and not feel worthy, like you have no purpose. I have had days when I felt like nobody cared or bothered to check on or look out for me or even think about me and perhaps that is why I think about you every day because in one way or another you are me. I understand the fear of being seen for who you really are (you call it being found out), the unease of showing your true self, the need to put up a shield because you have been hurt time without number, the desire to prove a point because you must win, the burden of secrets and living a double life. It is okay to be you; I know and love you for you.
I write this letter today because I am holding you in the little space in my heart and I am praying for you. I’m praying that this loneliness will not overcome you, that this feeling of being alone will not make you forget who you really are. That on days when you wake up and feel like you’re not good enough, God will remind you how much beauty you carry and how much potential is on the inside of you. That on days when you begin to destroy your mind and heart with content and information that draws you deeper into that ditch you have dug yourself into, you will be reminded to get up. The sun will rise again, somehow.
I want you to know that this will be over someday but while it lasts, I send you a virtual hug to hold you so tightly and deeply that you will not forget the feeling of being cared for. I want you to know that I know how painful it is to feel alone. I want to reassure you that I am here for you. Will you please write me back? Will you pick up a pen and a piece of paper and write just to let me know how you really feel? Pour your heart out on those pieces of paper that you have collected. It is important to me that I know you’re OK from the deep, deep parts of your heart.
I love you