Today I walked in the rain. What started out as a simple reckless walk with drops of water hitting my face became something I have dreaded for an exceptionally long time. Three hours into the walk, with absolutely no idea where I was, my hair was dripping and my clothes were soaking wet. Suddenly I was shivering from the cold and then it occurred to me like a big smack in the face, I was lost.
I sat there in the middle of the road and wept, wept so bad I started to feel weird and pray no one was passing by to witness this moment of vulnerable stupidity. Why was I crying? I was so happy. I had had no crazy episodes so why the hell was I losing it in the middle of nowhere?
Sitting in the rain as it increased I started to remember all those days as a child when we used to run out to play in the rain every time it drizzled. We were so carefree and happy. Nothing else mattered except the satisfaction from the rain falling on our naked bodies. We danced and spun and screamed. We lost track of time and in those moments, nothing else mattered except that pure innocent bliss. And here I was, thirty years later, enjoying the innocence I once valued more than life itself.
There, all by myself, I began to hear this overly sweet but unfamiliar voice whisper to me:
“Honey, I fear that you have stopped feeling the sensations of love every time someone touches your skin,
I fear that the light that shone in your eyes at the prospect of a new idea daily dims,
I fear that the innocence you once beheld everything with is no more,
I fear that your soul has made a deadly bargain with the devil,
I fear that you see and hear with little or no comprehension,
I fear that like many around you, you are missing out on the simplicity of authentic living,
I fear that, slowly, this breath is fleeting and one day, you will bear it no more.”
And then it dawned on me that I was feeling and experiencing emotions I never thought possible within me. In that moment, a cloud of heaviness covered me as I listened to these words that seemed to carry a truth I was unable to comprehend given the confusion of my surroundings. It’s raining even heavier now and I must figure out a way to get back home. Fear is beginning to rise and my stomach is turning into a tight ball. Suddenly, a car approaches me and in a flash, I am in my compound. I am home, but how? Who is this kind man that just dropped me home? How did he know where to bring me? Before I could figure all that out, I woke up.
In what ways have you lost yourself that you need to reclaim today?
What things have you stopped caring about and why?
Whom are you relying on to bring you back home?
Will you allow yourself to see, feel and breathe again?