We live in a culture that is blind to betrayal and intolerant of emotional pain. Loss happens in many experiences and circumstances, and it can affect us deeply. Betrayal is among the most devastating losses a person can experience and it hits in phases. Usually when we have been betrayed ,we resort to grieving. Whether the aftermath of such loss is expressed through apologies or being ignored, betrayal hurts like hell. You can heal from it , but it will have to be in your own time and on your own terms. So yesterday, while everyone Celebrated Uganda, i allowed myself to wallow in pity and the party lasted quite a while because every woman in me was tired and extremely angry.
Have you gone through a season where everything you try seems to be working against you? Have you felt like the world has connived to make your life difficult for no good reason that even when good things happen, you are skeptical about how long they will last? I feel you. Been there , done that , written a book about it , now trying to figure a way out. A week ago i got home to an open gate, my gate-man had decided that he was tired of serving me, picked whatever he felt was no longer worthy to be in my possession and left. No farewell, no warning , no nothing. That is a loss i chose to ignore , its not like there was much i could do really. Yesterday My friend wrote to say that her office had been broken into and my heart sunk! It felt like a can of worms had been reopened ,every pain i have felt before, every betrayal resurrected. Not so much for the lost property but for the emotions she must have been dealing with and going through because i know what that feels like. I broke down and wept, for me and even more for her – it has been quite the year! I know what it means to get attached to something and all of a sudden its gone. I know what its like to walk through your space and feel like someone violated it, they breached the privacy code, went through your stuff and took what they thought was more important to them than you, the owner. I know what its like to wear the “”its okay” look when every piece of you is crumbling inside. I felt her pain of having worked and tried so much to acquire a few things and having them taken away just like that. I was sick, i was angry!! so i sent her a virtual hug and a message saying, “i hear you”
After what seemed like hours of letting out the pain in my heart through my eyes , i stepped out of the house , played with my dog, walked through the garden and connected with my plants. It was then that i heard it, a small voice telling me, ” breathe penny- Just breathe” I stopped , slowly lowered my now shaking hands to my belly, my breath coming in gasps and managed to lower my now heavy body to my knees. I remembered a breathing technique my friend Inspector Derrick taught us earlier this year and there i was, attempting to breathe!! First slowly to try and avoid the pain that was now clogging my chest and eventually rhythmically and freely.
I have no idea why i have been compelled to write this but if you are like me and have been holding so much on the inside of you, take a moment right now to STOP and BREATH! Stop and Deal !! I am sending you a virtual hug and i do understand. I know its not enough, but you are doing the best that you can under the circumstances so be proud! If it is the only thing you get done today, Stop, calm your mind , find focus , Breathe.