How is your heart doing ? Does it hurt when you can’t chase away the emptiness caused by my absence? Is my love from the past still lingering inside the worn down walls of my heart? Do you feel like you can not breath when we meet?
Do your legs shake and almost give way, is your heart racing faster than your words can run? Do you stammer or lisp just to say hello?
Do you experience sweaty palms and a mini- panic frenzy. Do you try to hide while observing me from the corner of your eye? See i do , and i wish it were different.
I want to feel my heartbeat in my mouth at the sight of you, to talk to you till the sun comes up, cracking silly jokes and saying lots of sweet nothings, maybe write you long letters that will keep you blushing days on end. I want to be honest with you, completely bare and not have to worry if you are judging. To sing you a song that may probably not make sense but will make you laugh your heart out at how ridiculously romantic i am trying to be.
To recite poetry and make wishes on the stars , to travel the world together without a care in our imaginations , to discover, explore and draw pictures in the wild. To have our love feel like our favorite song on replay, be cheesy and have people roll their eyes at us. To laugh so uncontrollably loudly and deeply, to lose sense of time and just be lost in every moment with you.
But i will never have you, and maybe that’s better because i have idealized you in Shakespearean proportions: the thoughts , the words , the poetry, everything is there but it isn’t. The bleary-eyed reality of it, the deep sad reality of non existence, of distance, of schedules …..gosh ! There is an organic mass in my heart soaked through with blood but its just radio waves. Its just my imagination of you.
Its enough to make one tired ,realizing the unreachable vastness of one’s purest emotions.You get crushed, get complacent and give it up in favor of something you can hold. But well……at least this way , you and i don’t have to wonder what would have happened if we met and it didn’t work out……………………….or maybe we would wonder!!!
oh well, i guess we shall stick to speaking things that aren’t as though they are.