Systems of power are designed to make us unhappy, so why do we keep feeding them to thrive ?
I have not written in a long time, i am not going to delve into the why because that’s a whole blog on its own , however, I would like share a few thoughts I have been battling with, par-adventure someone shares the same thoughts or a contrary view they care to enlighten me with.
Don’t we all at any given point carry at least one secret desire we have never or can never admit to anyone ?
I have been so intrigued by how ,When two people meet, the power dynamics in their lives quickly shift to one or the other even without knowing it. The myth of equal relationships is evident when power comes to play.
Even when it’s out of pure love, we are constantly trying to meet the other party/ persons needs and wishes so desperately, we forget and most times stop hearing our own voices. We give up who we truly are and hide behind the walls we have built so high up to shield us . We convince ourselves that as long as no one gets to “ find us out (The real verdion of us),” we are safe . But are we truly safe? Are you okay?
Our instinctive desire to dominate or submit to other people is constantly tucked away in our sub-conscience. We play dumb or act strong to keep the other party or person comfortable, putting up a show, sometimes unconsciously to not create anarchy or disagreements. So scared to face our personal fears and admit them, we slowly drift from Netflix and chill to a Cold War zone no one knows how to end .
And eventually, then suddenly, we snap. Fearlessness and tremblembling overwhelm us and we begin to entertain evil thoughts. Feeling betrayed for falling for charmed speech and never dreaming anyone would turn on us. We are overwhelmed and consumed by a grief so hard to bear. You see, if it be an ememy, you could take it, if it were something unknown, you would seek to understand it, but it is your heart . It always is your heart.
You shuddder from head to foot , longing for an escape .
An escape to a place of peace , maybe a cabin in the woods or a walk in the forest , a dire desperacy for change engulfes you from the rage and unpredicatbility around you. You cut off things and people you have spent time and heart building, you drop them off the face of the earth and kill them, their essesnce, their memories , their representation. You think you are happy – only to see misery in the mirror everytime you wake . You see, what is happening is that you chose to trust and now you have been broken. Some of those pieces can never be put back but trust me , you will mend well.
All of a sudden the big secret is out, you are ashamed and the shame is making you angry. You must prove a point to the world that you are okay and everything you are doing is out of your free will but your heart , your heart knows the new secret. You deeply want it to be over , you want to stop playing by the foolishness of your fleshly desires , but you must be seen to be strong, to be in charge , to be the winner. Are you okay?
Is it worth it , Is it really , Must you always win, are you really okay?
You say you love yourself but are constantly willing to believe the worst of yourself. You tell yourself the truth in the secret of your hiding place but its not the truth you want to hear, so you dust yourself up and carry on with the pretense – you tell yourself it is okay, you fake smile and hide tears everyday to prove you are okay.
Its time to stop.
see you and be you!
Find help – you are not okay.