If my life were a car, it would be in the fifth gear . Part of this is out of fear I think or maybe not. I despise neutral , first it makes me anxious , second it bores me. i like speed or should i say i need it, the adrenaline is thrilling. I am a busy woman with a career that’s more like four careers. I defy the odds, some people call it acting irrationally……well well…… i engage when others would run,I fall in love with details , i know no limits ,i am intimidated by quiet(introverted) people , i seek to help always, my giving is impulsive, driven by something on the inside of me with a big heart. Most times i tell myself i am being silly, i mean like who does that, who does like 10 different things and still wants to do more? i tell my self to shut up, to act normal(but how do normal people be?) , to not try to help ….oba you get? but then this ‘ savior ‘ thing in me that i can not explain drives me to drop all that i am doing and fix whatever is in my power to fix. so how is that a bad thing ? sometimes my savior complex gets out of hand….. Saving the world is a lofty goal and impossible feat, swimming in other people’s pain only delays the journey through your own ,and i have grown to understand that i have many parts but one self and that all these parts are uniquely designed to help me live according to my purpose and achieve that which i was created to be.
I grew up in a decent home. we weren’t rich and we weren’t poor, but somewhere in that place in between, where it can be difficult to make ends meet, and you buy generic-brand everything, we had a full house always. We always told stories of how we would make other people’s lives, my sister’s dream was to build an orphanage…… we believed we would grow up to change our world. Our house was always tidy because my mother would beat us silly if we messed up, her notion of ‘cleanliness being next to godliness’ scared us more than it inspired us,,,,hehehehehe…. you just were the devil’s child if you messed her arrangement.We had to vacate our beds when we had guests and sharing was compulsory. we hosted all sorts of people with so little,…eeeish!! our mother would shove food down your throat if you accidentally branched into our home as though we had enough to take us through the year, you never left without eating or drinking something( this still happens !!) Mother was always giving up the little we had to help others when we ourselves needed help, but i guess it explains why we didn’t lack because God provided all we needed. Growing up in such an environment, I think i developed OCD or ADD or some other three-initial ditty. whatever it is , it has a lot to do with how i turned out today.
I used to spend a lot of time wondering why mother did the things she did, worry about her health as she never rested always fixing and doing something, asking all sorts of questions: is the need to save people good or bad, compulsion or compassion? where is the line, and how do you know when you have crossed over it? Are artistes driven by creativity or insanity? its complicated. On a good day I would think that am a relatively sane person with a few frayed wires , on a bad day i would be thinking ,’just lock me up’. Maybe compassion is compulsion, creativity is insanity, if this is so , then is craziness a good thing, the source of our humourousity? Gosh,,,,,,i needed a pause button for my brain. Mother in all her super heroism believed in us and let us and groomed us to be strong and fearless and courageous . We joked about never becoming like mother because we never understood where she fueled from, her adrenaline was too much , then i became her, or at least 80% of her.
I know stuff, stuff I shouldn’t, it scares some people but not me . It started when i was little , before i knew what they were, these ethereal moments where i am given information from some unknown place inside me. some of my friends think I’m a spy. . I also have spingles. They are much more subtle than the knowing nods. A spingle is a deep shaking shiver ,the kind that climbs your spine and leaves your throat dried up. Out of the blue I’ll see or hear something and it will spingle up my back . it can be big or even very small things Certain sorts of horrors open up my skin(like the many injustices in my country) and there and then I know that something must be done, and if not by me then who? Going through the pregnant With Destiny series at garage over the past three weeks has brought moooob perspective on this matter and alot more understanding of warrups
I have come to the understanding that I was made for something uniquely big and dope, i just have to embrace it and walk in it. Life is so full of twists, split seconds where you could so easily go left or right and that small decision determines all that comes after it.We each are called for a purpose, and a season,and are uniquely crafted to fit or suit that purpose.The easiest way to explain all these questions and thoughts i have had since i was little is through Chemistry.
I hated chemistry back in school, the periodic table , the one that supposedly showed how the world was made, made no sense to me at all. It was Egyptian hieroglyphics , pig latin, Morse code , it was pure gibberish. I learned only one thing the entire time, some chemicals and minerals are inherently unstable , others even in liquid form have a certain solidity, so no matter how high you heat them or deep you freeze them , they retain their essential structure. Ether evaporates as soon as it hits the air but diamonds, you can’t destroy diamonds. I want to believe that we are diamonds, we can not be destroyed and yes we battle with questions, yes we battle with identity , we compare ourselves with others and want to be them forgetting we are just perfect in our own way and yes maybe we even feel inadequate …………………….its high time we embraced who we are and thrive in that very nature . We each need to find our element and start living, respect your uniqueness and drop comparison, relax into your being. 🙂
So i have over time learned not to dull anyone’s sparkle, they can’t be me and i most definitely won’t be them. Allow people to dream, to be real, to be themselves.It is ever so beautiful to be strange , to do things differently than others , to see things in a different light , to me , that is such gold to carry!!